I used to love going to Sloat Garden Center as a kid. Now, I’m still embarrassed by how much I loved it. But, to be fair, I can’t blame myself. It was the only place around where you could get fresh garden gnomes and flowers that smelled like candy corn (which is what they call them). So I figured it would be fun as an adult too! Boy, was I wrong…
The display of garden gnomes that seem to follow your every move
The display of garden gnomes that seem to follow your every move.
No matter how you turn, they’re watching you—and they are unhappy about it. Suddenly feeling like the kid in “Toy Story” who knew his toys were following him, you look down and see a gnome staring back at you with a terrifying glare on his face. The worst part is that he’s so tiny and cute—yet somehow manages to be more terrifying than any horror movie monster could ever be!
The haunting feeling of being watched as you trudge through the greenhouse
You’ll want to come prepared for this. If you’re here for the first time and don’t have a mask, ask one of the employees for one before entering the greenhouse. It can be highly disorienting without it—imagine walking through an alien planet with no eyesight. Plus, it’s just good manners!
This is also an excellent place to mention that I forgot my glasses in my purse at home, so I’m wearing contact lenses instead today (which aren’t very helpful when trying to see in a dark room). So in addition to your mask or sunglasses, I recommend having an extra set of regular glasses or contacts on hand if you’re planning on visiting Sloat Garden Center regularly and don’t want to waste time going home whenever something goes wrong with your vision. While there!
The creepy older man lurks in the koi pond section and offers to sell you a fish that looks exactly like his head
- The creepy older man lurks in the koi pond section and offers to sell you a fish that looks exactly like his head.
This guy is a koi owner, and he’s just a little creepy. He’s got an old face, but I don’t think it’s the kind of thing where you’d say, “he looks really old.” It’s more like, “I’m not sure what to make of this guy.” Maybe it’s because he keeps saying things like, “No one can be sure how high my IQ is!” or something like that. It reminded me of when my friend Frank used to get drunk and tell everyone how smart he was; then, everyone would just back away slowly until they were out of earshot. But with Frank, it was usually because he’d start talking about how much money he made from investing in Apple stock before Steve Jobs died (and by “died,” I mean was murdered by space aliens).
The eerie sounds of children laughing come from inside a flower pot
You may wonder what the sound of children laughing from inside a flower pot sounds like. The source of these eerie chortles is unknown, though it’s clear that they are not produced by any child you’ve ever heard. Instead, they’re more disturbing than funny, like those creepy laughs in cartoons where someone’s face gets pulled into an unnatural shape, and then they start laughing while their mouth remains static.
The sound does not affect me whatsoever other than giving me goosebumps. Still, I imagine that if you were more sensitive to such things—or if you were home alone at night with your doors locked—it would serve as another reminder that something strange is going on here at Sloat Garden Center.
You think you see Pennywise the clown in the annuals section, but it turns out it’s just a terrifying-looking woman watering her petunias in her clown makeup
There are many people in clown makeup at Sloat Garden Center, and you might be tempted to think that one of them is the famous killer clown Pennywise from the Stephen King novel and 1990 miniseries It.
But don’t worry: There’s no such thing as Pennywise. There aren’t any serial killers in this story (except maybe for me). You might be able to scare yourself by thinking about scary things like death or growing old alone in a nursing home, but these fears are just illusions that make your mind work overtime. The real danger isn’t some fictional monster—it’s so scared by something as simple as annuals that you can’t get anything done.
There’s no bathroom, so you have to take a poop in the backyard, which terrifies you and your neighbors
- There’s no bathroom, so you have to take a poop in the backyard, which terrifies you and your neighbors.
It’s unfortunate that even if you’re not a serial killer, it can still be hard to find a place on Earth where you can go number two without being accosted by strangers or having your privacy violated by people who live nearby. Sloat Garden Center is one of those places—a land where no one ever takes care of their own business unless it has something to do with gardening tools and fertilizers (which are pretty expensive). Everyone at Sloat Garden Center knows each other, and everyone talks about each other as though they were children who had just learned how many friends they had made over summer break but didn’t realize that talking about friends wasn’t polite until they were old enough for school meetings with teachers and parents.
Thus, when someone goes into the bathroom, they expect privacy from anyone who isn’t already inside said restroom area. At Sloat Garden Center, however, the bathrooms are locked (and if I had any money left after buying all my plants for my new garden outside my house, I would buy some bolt cutters). So if you need access to these facilities during business hours, there is only one option: Go behind some bushes near where people load up their cars before heading home from work each day! This means anytime between 4 p..m., when most folks get off work early due out the back door–to 5 p..m., when customers start coming through the front doors with questions about plant care after dinner time ends…
For some reason, they only carry gardening tools made by companies with names like “Demonic Rake” or “Grave Digger Shovel,” You get weirded out just looking at them
- For some reason, they only carry gardening tools made by companies with names like “Demonic Rake” or “Grave Digger Shovel,” You get weirded out just looking at them.
They come in all shapes and sizes, but the scary ones are made of metal and wood. The plastic ones seem harmless enough, but remember that plastic can be dangerous if it’s sharpened enough!
They never tell you what kind of sloat it is if it’s a dwarf sloat or a blooming sloat or one of those semi-double sloats with the frilly ruffled petals like at Lowe’s, so you end up with some mystery plant-beast that grows twice as big as it’s supposed to and takes over your house and kills your cat
Sloats are a type of plant found at Sloat Garden Centers. You may not know this because they haven’t told you yet, but here’s what you need to know: They’re hazardous plants, and if you don’t know how to handle them, they will kill your cat.
Sloat Garden Center is a store where people buy sloats and other garden-related items such as fertilizer and gardening gloves (which are also dangerous). It also has a free coffee machine where customers can get free coffee while they shop for their sloats.
Don’t go there on Halloween
Sloat Garden Center is the place to go if you like to be scared by monsters, ghosts, and other spooky things on Halloween. They have an indoor haunted house that will convince you that Death himself is waiting for you at the end of it. If that doesn’t scare you enough, there’s also a haunted maze and trail for those who want to get closer to Dracula. And if even that isn’t enough, they’ve got a corn maze!
So, if you’re looking for a place to visit on Halloween and want something other than the usually haunted hayride or haunted house, then why not visit Sloat Garden Center? Just make sure to bring your toilet paper.